Leaving Layla

“Layla is my very best, best friend, isn’t she mummy?” My littlest one, Monty chirped as I helped her out of the car for kindergarten. “I am going to play with her and Harry today, because they are my very best friends”. My heart sank a little as I looked down at her cheery little face, filled with so much genuine excitement to be spending the morning with her best friends in the whole world. Pushing open the gate, I suddenly realised that she only has one more Monday left before we relocate. Anxiety gripped the clutches of my heart, creating an onset of racing thoughts as to whether we really are doing the right thing by moving away from everything that we know and love.

The faith filled, anchored in our decision, part of my thoughts stood firm and almost dismissive in tone “I believe that just like everything else has fallen into place, so will this, there will be a Layla in our new region for Monty”. But from a place deep in the recesses of my mother heart, the question remained, edged in fear “Will there?”

Just choosing a kindergarten in the first place had been such a big dilemma for me last year, as I had stressed so much about her ability to settle, knowing that crèche had been a nightmare. I had also worried about whether she would make a best friend like she now had at crèche, a friend that had finally made leaving Monty a lot easier for both of us.  I prayed a lot about this as I began to tour different kindergartens with the sole purpose in mind of finding not just the right one but maybe one where she would be in the same group as someone that she would eventually go to school with the following year.

I had been so delighted to find a wonderful kindergarten hidden away, not more than five minutes from my house, a kinder where the teacher was the same one that had taught my daughter Baize, many years before, and a kinder that also had Harry. We had known Harry’s family from church and finding out that each other’s children were going to enrol at this particular kindergarten, and then to the same school the following year was an answer to prayer for both myself and Harry’s mum. Then as if to add icing to the already glorious kindergarten cake, I was to find out that Layla, my friend’s little girl, would also be attending the same kindergarten.

You know right from the onset, Monty never skipped a beat at this kindergarten and these past few weeks have been the best introduction to kindergarten that I could possibly hope for, and so very different from that year at crèche. We have had no tears about going and no tears of overflowing emotions when I pick her up. These past few weeks have been perfection, perfection that I am sad to leave, perfection that I am really scared Monty won’t ever have again.

We have toured her new kindergarten and she has had a play there, but a Layla has yet to reveal herself. I know that I can’t expect too much, as she was only there for a half an hour;  I know that we have to give it time, that we have to give her time but as a mum, my heart hurts for her and I grapple with this because  I know that I am taking her away from something very special.

Guilt and fear have a way of wrestling into your spirit and quite easily grasping a tight rein on your emotions. I know that I need to get a hold of my thoughts here before Guilt and Fear had me believing that this was the wrong move. So I will console myself  in prayer and remind  myself that this is a good move, that it is infact a God move;  a  specific re- positioning for His purpose.  The Lord has opened doors for her to be in a  fantastic new school/ kindergarten environment, the kind that we could not have orchestrated on our own.  The Lord has opened doors for all of us in this move, He is in control and because He is, I have to trust that Monty will be ok, that Leila and Harry will be ok, and that I will be ok.

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